Why it can be challenging for parents to let go of their child

Becky Harlan/NPR Photo Illustration Credit.
My 4-year-old is struggling with his swimming lessons. Long after bedtime, he would come calling into my room asking in whisper if they are required tomorrow – something which broke my heart as swimming is an essential safety skill but these lessons were becoming anxiety inducing for him. If he wanted to quit though, should I allow it? As parents it can often be challenging knowing when it is the appropriate time for their child to withdraw from an extracurricular activity: classes can foster resilience while at other times becoming burdensome obligations that bring added stress onto them; therefore parents need guidance when making these decisions on whether this makes sense or not.
Vanessa Lapointe, a child psychologist and parenting coach, recognizes this dilemma and suggests the following as solutions: rather than try to fix anything immediately, take some time to listen carefully before offering support: be curious; show interest and allow your child to feel heard by listening attentively.”
Here’s how to have difficult discussions with your kids about quitting something they don’t enjoy, such as piano lessons or summer camp. Consider why they care so much–perhaps your commitment is the problem? When your child announces they’d like to put away their clarinet permanently, the first thing you should do is assess yourself. If the idea of quitting provokes strong emotional responses in you, explore those reactions as soon as possible and attempt to resolve them before responding directly. “Often our intentions become clouded by our desires,” notes Lapointe. Are you trying to push an unfulfilled dream such as participating in school plays onto your child instead? Your family might have had difficulty affording team sports when you were growing up; now you want your child to have an alternate experience. “If your intention is anything other than providing my kid with an enjoyable and positive learning opportunity and seeing how they react,” according to Lapointe, then chances are good it’s not for the right reasons.
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Have a conversation with your child. You might be amazed by what you learn by asking about what’s bothering them; Krystal Lewis, a child psychologist and clinical researcher at the National Institute of Mental Health suggests this exercise as “seeing what they will verbalize”. Perhaps they just had an awful, terrible, no good, very bad day – whatever may have caused that to be! “Our rule should always be that when things go poorly we never quit,” advises Lapointe. If your child receives less of the roles in school productions that they had wanted, take time for emotions to settle before making decisions that may upset or defeat your student further. Lewis suggests doing further investigation. Question them about what they like or don’t like about an activity; sometimes the issue turns out to be rather straightforward – for instance a student might dislike soccer practice because it occurs late in their school day and they’re hungry at practice; packing some protein-rich snacks might make all the difference here! Even if their dislike extends further – say they lack interest or passion about art class – you now possess invaluable information with which you can begin troubleshooting effectively.
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Keep an ear out for what your child is complaining about and their behaviors, says Lewis. Young children tend to express emotions or experiences verbally so you may need other cues to understand how your child feels. Lewis suggests paying attention when your child complains. Perhaps they’re oversensitive to a coach’s loud voice or shy to approach other children – both are problems you can help solve by having a discussion with their coach and encouraging a friend to join your team. Be present during your child’s practices or lessons so as to recognize any pain points, advises Lewis. For instance, zoning out could indicate they need additional unstructured playtime while boredom could indicate it just may not be their thing.
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Consider your child’s temperament. Are they more of an orchid, or dandelion? Every child has an individual tolerance for pain that should be considered when making decisions regarding whether to quit smoking. Evaluate if they thrive well under challenging environments before making your final call about whether to quit. Are they more of a dandelion or orchid? Thomas Boyce, professor of pediatrics and psychiatry at University of California San Francisco, devised this framework to assess children’s temperament. Dandelions tend to be hardy plants that thrive under difficult circumstances while orchids blossom more delicately over time. “Dandelion seeds will flourish even in cracks in cement that you forget to water,” according to Lapointe. However, orchids require particular conditions – specifically water levels, humidity levels and temperatures; otherwise they do not adapt and flourish as desired. One isn’t better than another – they just vary! Pay attention to which flower your child leans towards. If he/she leans more toward being an orchid than an dandelion, they might fare OK even in less-than-ideal circumstances; on the other hand, if their struggles persist more heavily they might require another environment altogether.
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Assume creative solutions. “Quit” or “tough it out” shouldn’t be your only options – “What is our gray area and can we modify?” suggests Lewis. If your child is bored with an activity or strikes out too often, taking breaks might help; or practicing hitting at home may provide relief – or conversing about commitment (perhaps telling him/her: since we signed up together we need to go, but sitting on the sidelines watching would still teach them about honoring a commitment). By setting an example and teaching children honoring commitment without forcing something uncomfortable on them or forcing an uncomfortable behavior upon themself that might otherwise occur.”
My husband and I did some investigating as soon as my son expressed fear for swim class, speaking to both him and the coach to find out why. We soon found out he was terrified to put his head underwater! After discussion between all parties involved they agreed my son no longer had to submerge his face during class time. Soothe your fears before diving in – my son overcame his when we played in the pool with his cousins later, eventually. Now he often immerses himself while swimming class – taking his hand from behind his back, placing it over his forehead, pushing himself underwater with both arms! He loves being in the water, so all he needed was some patience – even if we ended up needing to stop swimming altogether, that would have been okay with me too. Lapointe advises parents in such instances not to put too much pressure on ourselves when dealing with similar scenarios. “While Life Kit might not seem important in comparison with many things happening today, this story’s creation and editing was done with immense care by Malaka Gharib and Becky Harlan – our digital story editor was Malaka, while visual editor was Becky.” We welcome any feedback. Please contact us with voicemails (202-216-9823) or emails to [email protected]; listen for Life Kit podcasts/Spotify playlists as well as subscribe for our mailing list for updates.”