My partner and I can't decide who does which chores, leading us into chaos at home | Ask Annalisa Barbieri.

My partner H and I have been in a relationship for nearly five years and living together since about an year ago. My partner and I enjoy an extremely strong, healthy relationship; although we occasionally light-heartedly bicker, our differences usually settle quickly with no serious arguments being started between us. My own house can often become chaotic as my clothes, keys, shopping items and debris lay about without me organizing them properly or doing my chores like I should; often leaving things like cleaning until last. H excels at cooking and keeping up with his laundry duties, but when it comes to other chores – like cleaning the kitchen or taking out bins – he proves himself incapable of helping out. His procrastination makes the house uninhabitable (dirty dishes and rubbish bin) and when I ask him to get on it he either snaps quickly, or worse still shuts me out and becomes hostile for days afterwards. He claims he takes care of things on his own time, yet I find his “own time” can sometimes take days for simple tasks such as washing up or taking out the bin to be completed – something which feels unfair to me and feels unnecessary as no-one seems aware or concerned by this mess! I don’t comprehend how he doesn’t notice or care about any potential disaster. When I tried speaking up about it with him, he accused me of mothering him instead of listening and listening properly – this has really affected how I feel at home, leaving a messier environment but no further arguments between us. What Are My Solutions?| Although this issue may seem simple enough to solve, its resolution can often prove challenging. Who determines what are appropriate chores? For example, maybe H stays on top of most things while leaving dishes for some other time… What Are Our Duties? | Each individual has his/her own way of looking at things and each may differ in how they see things or conduct themselves differently from us. I consulted Joanna Harrison, former divorce attorney, psychotherapist and author of “Five Arguments All Couples (Need to) Have: And Why the Washing-Up Matters”, for advice. According to Joanna she stated that each of us have unique lenses through which we view chores “using our individual backgrounds”. Attitudes learned in childhood can often dictate our actions today and when someone doesn’t conform with those patterns it may feel like an insult – however a different way may just be what works better for that individual or both of them!When one or both partners feels they are being ignored it can create tension that turns to warfare within couples.Harrison further stated: ‘This issue affects many couples today and remains something to work through constantly.” Domestics can quickly become the stage for unspoken tensions; ask yourself this question when dealing with domestic matters: ‘Is this how other feelings manifest themselves? ‘Silence may sometimes serve as an effective form of protest.” When either partner feels they don’t have control, or don’t get heard, all sorts of tactics may be deployed as couple warfare tools. Withholding anything intentionally (sex, money, information or chores) for control could be happening so I would warn against making assumptions that this might be what’s happening here. Harrison made a suggestion of making your conversation between yourselves less defensive; maybe reflect on how you communicate about this matter? Are You Fighting Over Something Simply Because They Argue Over It in an Aggravated Moment?” When people wait until they are angry to communicate about a topic, this usually doesn’t help and sets an unpleasant atmosphere for future discussions about that subject matter. But I can only offer you my opinion. House meetings should be scheduled once or twice each week/month as an informal way for residents who share living quarters to address matters related to the house itself and discuss any concerns that arise within it. At such times, it can be useful to raise issues that bother either party directly; doing so allows everyone involved to avoid pretending like something they didn’t see bothered them later on. As it’s scheduled, emotions tend to remain more stable during this task. If, however, you have had any history of not feeling considered, the inattention from your partner in doing chores you feel they should perform could hit closer to home than expected and cause greater irritation than expected. Every Monday, Annalisa Barbieri addresses one reader’s personal problem sent via The Guardian’s Ask Annalisa section. 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