How To Move Elderly Parents When They Resist: Ways To Overcome Resistance

What Happens with Aging Parents at a Distance

As is often the case for adult children caring for an aging parent, two siblings in this real-life scenario were growing increasingly concerned for their 90-year-old Mother who lived alone and displayed cognitive impairment (likely dementia) but it hadn’t yet been officially diagnosed. Both are full time workers in their 60s; both shared responsibility in providing care. Sis had access to an apartment she used as temporary works space which may provide interim steps toward moving Mother into new residence.

Decisio Ninfaliana Agrawal took this decision last night after extensive deliberation over whether to accept.
After much discussion between Bro and Sis, Mom agreed with their plan of moving closer to Sis in an assisted living community in Sis’ city. Mom initially accepted this plan without much of any push back; having seen what seemed to be an inviting home with many amenities that Sis had spent considerable effort exploring during tour trips – though she offered little resistance or question. It was time for action.

“They packed Mom up, with Bro and two other family members coming from other cities to accompany her on the plane and bring her to Sis’ city where they rested a night at Sis’ place before driving her directly to her new home – to their disbelief she balked! Instead she refused to get out of the car at all – making a public scene by accusing Bro of “kidnapping” her before screaming obscenities at Bro; in disgust they drove Mom back to Sis’ vacant apartment; their anger left them incapable of speaking directly with Mom; neither could speak directly with Mom at any point during that interaction!
What Could They Do Now? Bro and Sis reached out to AgingParents.com for advice, where we first explored what was behind Mom’s resistance and angry outburst. In particular, they needed to try to understand her difficult behavior – most individuals, whether cognitively impaired or otherwise, fear losing independence; for this elder however, independence proved detrimental as she could no longer care for herself safely, though her impairment prevented her from realizing this fact herself.

Options Brothers and Sisters were appointed Mom’s agents with Power of Attorney so they could control her finances but didn’t want to force her into guardianship (called conservatorship in CA). We advised guardianship should only ever be used as an absolute last resort and that in order to convince Mom that staying alone in her vacant apartment wasn’t working was to warn her that staying by herself wasn’t working and we advised warning that refusing any help from siblings or authorities may force their move elsewhere if any attempts at reconciliation failed; perhaps temporary hire home care worker as an interim solution while she considered transitional steps between staying alone at her current apartment and finding better accommodations that was necessary in her new living environment.

Mom was more afraid of moving to an unfamiliar city with no help available to her than moving into an assisted living home, which may have been too big an environment. We advised the siblings to look for smaller, “homeier” places within the city – perhaps something like Board and Care would offer seniors some nonmedical help with activities of daily living in private rooms in smaller houses with close supervision; although these might lack high end amenities they provide consistent care with minimal staff turnover – and advised Bro and Sis to investigate it further.

Medical Assistance
Since Mom had only just moved, she lacked access to any local doctors or health providers; one benefit of living in an assisted living home with so many residents was having the presence of an MD that saw residents by appointment during certain days and times each week – an arrangement no longer possible due to relocation. We suggested to her siblings that Mom be taken immediately for medical help with anti-anxiety medication to ease transition processes as soon as possible – perhaps as early as tomorrow or even earlier! In states with legal cannabis use CBD can provide comfort. We suggested they give it a go as it might provide additional calming qualities – possibly through taking CBD in form of an orange Juice in lieu of other medicine that might also aid elderly.
Redefining Success
In an ideal scenario, Mom would have moved directly to the place her adult children initially selected for her. That wasn’t seen as failure on their part; rather it showed how their initial choice wasn’t working out well for Mom; their kids recognized this and understood that just getting their isolated mother out from behind her home close to Sis was enough to count as success; even turbulent transition times can provide real solutions and eventually when Mom received some sort of anti-anxiety medication from either an organic source (ie plant) or pharmaceutical source she would likely calmer and be accepting of her final move a great success for all parties involved!
1. If your elderly parent shows any sign of cognitive impairment, such as memory loss, get them evaluated immediately. Anxiousness and outbursts are frequently experienced among dementia sufferers; medication may help manage behavior to help manage outbursts more effectively.
2. If an elderly relative no longer feels secure living alone, start the discussion in an approachable and respectful way with them to address any worries over loss of independence they might be feeling. Acknowlegant may help ease some fears.
3. Offer to assist your elderly relative in transitioning into a closer residence by outlining what the transition entails and giving ample notice so he/she has time to adjust to it.
4. If an elderly family member agrees, but then becomes resistant when transitioning, seek professional guidance regarding your legal options for protecting them and making a smooth transfer possible.