My partner and I are struggling financially and now she's expecting. What should we do now?

My problems include my inability to achieve success in life. At 35 years old and 12 years into a relationship, my primary occupation has been waiting tables; following school I became involved in bartending; this eventually lead me into serving at low wage jobs with limited opportunities and one affair two years ago. My partner and I briefly separated, but are back together now. Unfortunately, I feel powerless over his successful career path and feel very sorry for myself in comparison with all that success that he is enjoying as part of our partnership. “Whatever,” is my attitude in life; perhaps due to receiving what seemed like a large inheritance and using that money for home purchases that led me into tremendous debt. My partner is unaware I’m struggling to meet my outgoings and am gradually falling deeper and further into debt, using credit cards for monthly repayments. Although I keep searching for work with a higher salary, this search seems fruitless so far. My problems seem to only grow worse since my partner recently became pregnant. With an inconsistent job history and poor experience within hospitality services, recruiters may perceive me as too high of a risk and be unwilling to interview or consider applications from me for employment opportunities despite working there for most of my adult life. As our lives are about to transform, my decline into debt and professional stagnation makes me ashamed to face myself and don’t know where I should turn for help. Philippa suggested turning inward as well as outward; you have more resources available than you realize, even though everyone makes mistakes; they do not define us or define who we are as individuals. Hating yourself can prevent you from knowing or acting upon the belief that you possess value; this could indicate depression. Get this under control by consulting your GP, who may prescribe either counseling or antidepressants (or both) accordingly. It may seem as though you’ve been reckless with money and in relationships; but that doesn’t have to continue! Tell your partner the truth about how deep into debt you are becoming by borrowing more each month to pay back loans, then figure out together a strategy to pay it back, such as consolidating it onto your mortgage payment or creating and adhering to a financial plan – it will bring great relief! Don’t exacerbate your work situation further by keeping it hidden; work together as a team. Take pride in what you’ve accomplished – soon you will rediscover a sense of dignity! I believe your workplace situation could benefit greatly if both partners saw themselves more as team players. Make yourself irreplaceable; motivate both yourself and the people around you to work as part of a cohesive unit. Shifting away from viewing yourself solely as an isolated individual to seeing yourself part of something bigger will lead to feelings of inclusion rather than isolation – you won’t feel so isolated anymore! Be the best waiter you can be while working there; some great people also happen to be waiters in France where it is seen more as a profession than just another job! Be more French: Take pride in what you do – taking this approach will help regain your dignity as an employee; remember: your work doesn’t define who you are! Feel proud about yourself because of how you go about performing this role. Doing it right may include unhelpful stereotypical portrayals of men as strong, powerful individuals able to manage without assistance and acting as sole providers. Grayson Perry’s The Descent of Man can help dispel some unhelpful cultural expectations about what men should “be”. By becoming more conscious of these differences, it will be easier for both partners to view themselves more as members of a collaborative team, instead of viewing her as someone you constantly compare yourself with negatively. You could take on househusband duties if she wishes to return to work postpartum. Investing your energies in your child is never something you will come to regret. Not just in terms of diaper changes; your relationship will provide invaluable assistance as your child develops into their full potential – not to mention helping both of you grow at different rates! Parenthood offers us all an incredible chance to experience life from a whole new perspective. Your baby will teach you so much about everything they experience that allows us to see life from their perspectives afresh! Not to minimize its difficulty or lengthiness, but take a step back and look at the larger picture. I sense a pattern of reckless spending and affair in your story… so take note. Next time temptation strikes and short-term thrills tempt you, keep the fantasy going past any physical or symbolic antagonisms that might ensue. Remember how bad these behaviors feel; it makes us hate ourselves even more than ever! Your best defense: don’t do them; rather talk about them instead! Be part of a team. Every week Philippa Perry addresses one reader’s personal challenge sent in via her Ask Philippa service at [email protected]; submissions may be subject to our terms and conditions for consideration.